Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Defected Rival

I’ve mentioned before about how much I wanted to be like my blond cousins. What ever they were doing I wanted to do it too. No matter how stupid it looked. This what I would do. I would see them doing something “cute” that my grandma would fawn over. Then I would go and do the same “cute” thing in front of my cousins on my mom’s side. My cousins would just be confused by the “cute” things I did, and not particularly wowed by my actions. I would be very confused and usually say “My grandma thinks this is funny.” Then I would get a lecture from my mom about not trying to be like my cousins.

Besides imitating them I also wanted to be like them in ways I really couldn’t besides being blond. One of them also didn’t like that I was younger than her and taller. What can I say? She has short parents. They are all petite. I think this is one of the many reasons I dislike my height.

Like I’ve mentioned before I always wanted to be around them. I wanted their good qualities to rub off on me. Even if I wasn’t a “blond baby”. I could be “almost as good”.

In my last blog about this subject I mentioned this. I said I wanted to be elusive. I will say now that I have “defected”. I feel that I’m not on the same level as them. Whatever I am now I’m not like them. I don’t know if this is good or bad.

The hardest part is probably convincing myself that I need to do my own thing. Maybe this stems from the rivalry my grandma had between my cousin and I. We are very close in age. I felt that she could do everything before I could. She could answer the phone before me, drive a car (ok still working on that one), graduate college (still working on that one too), and blow her nose. Maybe I just thought there was a rivalry and my cousin is not even aware of it? Was it all my grandma’s doing? The funny thing is that she would always lie about my cousin like she said she got a scholarship when it was really a government grant. We learned about this from another relative.

Song that fits the blogs theme “Everything to Everyone” by Everclear.

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